I've never really considered myself an envious person. I am content and happy with my life and the material things that I have, and I don't often find myself begrudging others what they have.
However.
Infertility is working hard to get me to destroy that image of myself, and I find myself fighting against envy and frustration fairly often. It even sneaks up on me when I least expect it. I am trying my best to not let it get the best of me, and I think I'm doing a good job, but sometimes it's so hard.
The current crisis is because I find myself surrounded with babies and pregnancies. In the past few months, several of my close friends and family members have given birth (to the most adorable, cuddly babies). In the past week, several co-workers and others in my life have announced their pregnancies. I am happy for all of these people, and my heart melts at the sight of babies, but I also have a current raging case of WHY NOT ME? What am I doing wrong? I know that Joe and I will be good parents -- why aren't we able to conceive? Why is it so hard?
So, basically, I'm having a mini pity party. I've worked hard to overcome these feelings in the past. Right after I was diagnosed, I had a lot of trouble with this. I was also feeling especially judgmental -- why do people who are not ready to be parents, or who have no idea what they're doing, have this come so easy to them, and I am struggling? I've worked through a lot of that immediate reaction. However, this week has been especially hard. I imagine my already fragile emotional state, with the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday being the first without my dad, is contributing to this.
I did get to hold the completely adorable, squishy son of one of my closest friends this week. And I get to hold another one on Black Friday (better than shopping?). Dimples, gummy baby smiles, and fat baby feet melt my heart, regardless of how frustrated and envious I am. I am lucky that I have such supportive friends and such a wonderful husband who acknowledge and empathize with my struggles -- it really does make all the difference, so I am not constantly feeling this way.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
Seriously, what now?
What should have been IUI #1, September 2010 - didn't even try because we were supposed to be out of town during the middle of my cycle (which didn't even happen)
IUI #1, October 2010 - canceled because I was ovulating on the wrong side.
IUI #2, November 2010 - postponed until next cycle because I was out of town when I needed to have my baseline.
Ok, no big deal. It will happen, I know it will. However, sometime in the midst of all of that, I was diagnosed with some kind of unspecified inflammatory arthritis. And I was tested for lupus and scleroderma (thankfully, I'm negative for both). And the medicine I was given cannot be taken during pregnancy.
What? Something else I have to deal with that can potentially affect pregnancy? I cannot describe how stressful this was, especially when I was waiting for the results of the lupus and scleroderma tests. I know those diseases, especially lupus, can have serious implications for pregnancy -- and for my health overall. Thankfully, it looks like I do not have either of those conditions, and the arthritis is it. It's painful, for sure, and I am still working out what medications I can and cannot take. The rheumatologist wanted me to take a low-dose steroid every day during fertility treatments and pregnancy. I can appreciate what she is trying to do (reduce inflammation), but a daily steroid? Not happening. We still haven't come to a decision, but at least I know I can go without medication, which would have been much more difficult with the other conditions.
That's where I'm at right now. I guess, in the long run, it worked out better that I was not able to move forward with an IUI this month based on timing -- it has given me the opportunity to figure out all of the other stuff. I just need to work on being less stressed about all of it. I think, in my case, knowledge and access to resources and research is not always a good thing. A little ignorance would probably help my stress levels!
IUI #1, October 2010 - canceled because I was ovulating on the wrong side.
IUI #2, November 2010 - postponed until next cycle because I was out of town when I needed to have my baseline.
Ok, no big deal. It will happen, I know it will. However, sometime in the midst of all of that, I was diagnosed with some kind of unspecified inflammatory arthritis. And I was tested for lupus and scleroderma (thankfully, I'm negative for both). And the medicine I was given cannot be taken during pregnancy.
What? Something else I have to deal with that can potentially affect pregnancy? I cannot describe how stressful this was, especially when I was waiting for the results of the lupus and scleroderma tests. I know those diseases, especially lupus, can have serious implications for pregnancy -- and for my health overall. Thankfully, it looks like I do not have either of those conditions, and the arthritis is it. It's painful, for sure, and I am still working out what medications I can and cannot take. The rheumatologist wanted me to take a low-dose steroid every day during fertility treatments and pregnancy. I can appreciate what she is trying to do (reduce inflammation), but a daily steroid? Not happening. We still haven't come to a decision, but at least I know I can go without medication, which would have been much more difficult with the other conditions.
That's where I'm at right now. I guess, in the long run, it worked out better that I was not able to move forward with an IUI this month based on timing -- it has given me the opportunity to figure out all of the other stuff. I just need to work on being less stressed about all of it. I think, in my case, knowledge and access to resources and research is not always a good thing. A little ignorance would probably help my stress levels!
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