Envy and frustration

I've never really considered myself an envious person. I am content and happy with my life and the material things that I have, and I don't often find myself begrudging others what they have.

However.

Infertility is working hard to get me to destroy that image of myself, and I find myself fighting against envy and frustration fairly often. It even sneaks up on me when I least expect it. I am trying my best to not let it get the best of me, and I think I'm doing a good job, but sometimes it's so hard.

The current crisis is because I find myself surrounded with babies and pregnancies. In the past few months, several of my close friends and family members have given birth (to the most adorable, cuddly babies). In the past week, several co-workers and others in my life have announced their pregnancies. I am happy for all of these people, and my heart melts at the sight of babies, but I also have a current raging case of WHY NOT ME? What am I doing wrong? I know that Joe and I will be good parents -- why aren't we able to conceive? Why is it so hard?

So, basically, I'm having a mini pity party. I've worked hard to overcome these feelings in the past. Right after I was diagnosed, I had a lot of trouble with this. I was also feeling especially judgmental -- why do people who are not ready to be parents, or who have no idea what they're doing, have this come so easy to them, and I am struggling? I've worked through a lot of that immediate reaction. However, this week has been especially hard. I imagine my already fragile emotional state, with the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday being the first without my dad, is contributing to this.

I did get to hold the completely adorable, squishy son of one of my closest friends this week. And I get to hold another one on Black Friday (better than shopping?). Dimples, gummy baby smiles, and fat baby feet melt my heart, regardless of how frustrated and envious I am. I am lucky that I have such supportive friends and such a wonderful husband who acknowledge and empathize with my struggles -- it really does make all the difference, so I am not constantly feeling this way.