Round 2

I started Clomid last night (100 mg) for Round 2 of attempting an IUI. I am cautiously hopeful that my right ovary will respond better this time, since it was at least making a few small follicles last time, and that we'll be able to actually do the IUI in two weeks. Also, of course, looking forward to the fun hot flashes that Clomid causes. Maybe it's a good thing Florida is having a cold streak this week?

If things were to go well and if we were able to do the IUI and if we get pregnant, we'd know sometime around the end of this month. That's a lot of ifs to pin anything on, I realize. And a lot of pressure that I put on myself -- since it would be right around the anniversary of my dad's death. And right around the time I told him, alone in the hospital room when he was mostly unresponsive, that Joe and I were trying to get pregnant. And I could see the hope on his face for that small amount of time. It makes me sad just thinking about it.

I thought I was getting used to disappointment, but this past month I tortured myself. I was feeling nauseous for the week before my period was due, and thought -- could this be? We got pregnant on our own on a skipped IUI cycle? After almost 2 years! So I (stupidly) took a pregnancy test a few nights before my period was due. And it immediately came up positive. Like, seriously immediately. I had a few minutes of elation, and then the doubt set in. But I went to my Zumba class, ate dinner, did all the stuff I would normally do...and then took another test the next morning. And of course -- it was negative. I was crushed, and sad for several days. I have never seen a positive line on a pregnancy test, and was so excited, but I think deep down I knew something was wrong. The line just came up too quick for being so early!

I feel fine about it now, and I'm trying to use this as a lesson in not counting my chickens before they're hatched and not to pin hopes (or fears, for that matter) on too many "ifs." So I'm trying my best to just go with the flow, take my meds, do the IUI if things look good -- and not think about the symbolism what it would mean to me to be pregnant on the anniversary of my dad's death. He would be thrilled no matter when (or how) it happens, so I'm going to focus on that.