Nope :(

My period started last night. I started spotting a couple of days ago, and I thought it might possibly be implantation (or I convinced myself of that, maybe), but no luck. Our first actual IUI was not successful. :(

This month has been harder than previous attempts. I feel so disappointed and frustrated, and like a failure at this. In the past few days I've had a hard time thinking about the people I knew who started trying at the same time, or after, we did and already have a baby. I think it is because we went through a full, medicated IUI cycle -- I thought we'd have better luck since I knew I was ovulating from the right side. I do know that the success rates are not incredibly high with IUIs, especially with lower sperm counts -- but it is hard to separate the intellectual from my emotional reactions. And my physical responses to the drugs this month was uncomfortable: bloating, cramping, irritability...I am worried about going through more cycles in discomfort. And, being me, I am worried that each step we take that doesn't work means that there are fewer options available overall. I know we are far away from that actually being a problem, but I think about it nonetheless.

I need to get a better handle on the anxiety related to all of this. I am finally taking the xanax prescribed to me by the allergist (ha! That just sounds so strange) to help with the crazy eczema that is all over my body. It is actually helping with that, which is such a relief, and hopefully I will feel calmer overall too. It just sucks to have to admit that there is yet another thing wrong with me -- when is it going to end?

So, onwards. I think we will have to skip IUI this next month since the doctor's office is closed for the New Year holiday, and I will miss the opportunity to have a baseline sonogram. Maybe that's for the best, and I can get a handle on everything while trying on our own for a month.