IUI #2 = fail

Of course, as soon as I start to think it may have actually worked, my period started. Like, really? What cosmic joke is that -- as soon as I start to have a little bit of hope, bam! Nope! Sorry.

I had a little bit of a meltdown earlier this week. I am feeling frustrated and defeated. I know it's only the second successful IUI (3rd round of Clomid), but how much is it going to take? I think I was feeling particularly defeated because I heard such positive feedback from the ultrasound tech and the nurse who did the procedure -- my egg was a great size, lining looked good, Joe's numbers looked good. Much better than last month. So I let myself have a little bit of hope, although I was still shielding myself against the disappointment. It's hard to do this over and over again -- it truly is a rollercoaster. My anxiety gets involved too. If Clomid doesn't work, that's one more thing that was unsuccessful, so we would move on to the next step. Which means we have fewer and fewer options left.

I do realize that we are hardly out of options at this point, but I don't want to have to go through more and more. I just want something to work. I have accepted the infertility, but on a daily basis it sucks.

So, the next step is to try another round of Clomid, which will hopefully result in at least one good follicle on the right side, and a 3rd IUI. If that doesn't work (or if the follicles are on the left), then we meet with Dr. Bernhisel and see what's next.

Nope :(

My period started last night. I started spotting a couple of days ago, and I thought it might possibly be implantation (or I convinced myself of that, maybe), but no luck. Our first actual IUI was not successful. :(

This month has been harder than previous attempts. I feel so disappointed and frustrated, and like a failure at this. In the past few days I've had a hard time thinking about the people I knew who started trying at the same time, or after, we did and already have a baby. I think it is because we went through a full, medicated IUI cycle -- I thought we'd have better luck since I knew I was ovulating from the right side. I do know that the success rates are not incredibly high with IUIs, especially with lower sperm counts -- but it is hard to separate the intellectual from my emotional reactions. And my physical responses to the drugs this month was uncomfortable: bloating, cramping, irritability...I am worried about going through more cycles in discomfort. And, being me, I am worried that each step we take that doesn't work means that there are fewer options available overall. I know we are far away from that actually being a problem, but I think about it nonetheless.

I need to get a better handle on the anxiety related to all of this. I am finally taking the xanax prescribed to me by the allergist (ha! That just sounds so strange) to help with the crazy eczema that is all over my body. It is actually helping with that, which is such a relief, and hopefully I will feel calmer overall too. It just sucks to have to admit that there is yet another thing wrong with me -- when is it going to end?

So, onwards. I think we will have to skip IUI this next month since the doctor's office is closed for the New Year holiday, and I will miss the opportunity to have a baseline sonogram. Maybe that's for the best, and I can get a handle on everything while trying on our own for a month.

Round 2

I started Clomid last night (100 mg) for Round 2 of attempting an IUI. I am cautiously hopeful that my right ovary will respond better this time, since it was at least making a few small follicles last time, and that we'll be able to actually do the IUI in two weeks. Also, of course, looking forward to the fun hot flashes that Clomid causes. Maybe it's a good thing Florida is having a cold streak this week?

If things were to go well and if we were able to do the IUI and if we get pregnant, we'd know sometime around the end of this month. That's a lot of ifs to pin anything on, I realize. And a lot of pressure that I put on myself -- since it would be right around the anniversary of my dad's death. And right around the time I told him, alone in the hospital room when he was mostly unresponsive, that Joe and I were trying to get pregnant. And I could see the hope on his face for that small amount of time. It makes me sad just thinking about it.

I thought I was getting used to disappointment, but this past month I tortured myself. I was feeling nauseous for the week before my period was due, and thought -- could this be? We got pregnant on our own on a skipped IUI cycle? After almost 2 years! So I (stupidly) took a pregnancy test a few nights before my period was due. And it immediately came up positive. Like, seriously immediately. I had a few minutes of elation, and then the doubt set in. But I went to my Zumba class, ate dinner, did all the stuff I would normally do...and then took another test the next morning. And of course -- it was negative. I was crushed, and sad for several days. I have never seen a positive line on a pregnancy test, and was so excited, but I think deep down I knew something was wrong. The line just came up too quick for being so early!

I feel fine about it now, and I'm trying to use this as a lesson in not counting my chickens before they're hatched and not to pin hopes (or fears, for that matter) on too many "ifs." So I'm trying my best to just go with the flow, take my meds, do the IUI if things look good -- and not think about the symbolism what it would mean to me to be pregnant on the anniversary of my dad's death. He would be thrilled no matter when (or how) it happens, so I'm going to focus on that.

IUI #1 - cancelled

A few weeks ago (beginning of October) we were finally ready to start the process of our first (and I was hoping only) IUI -- after 2 months of healing post-surgery and another cycle where we were supposed to be traveling during the key dates.

I was so excited -- and really anxious at the same time. Seems so silly now, especially since we've been trying for so long! But in some ways I feel like I've gotten used to trying and coming up empty, so the thought of actually getting pregnant was scary. As was the needle that I would have to jab myself with to induce ovulation if all went according to plan. And, of course, I am such a spaz with the "what if" thinking far ahead into the future: what if I did get pregnant? What if I lose the pregnancy? What if I have to go on bed rest really early and can't work? What if I have the baby early and it's in the NICU, has problems, etc...

I know I am like this and it doesn't help anything, but I am who I am.

Anyway, all my stress last month was for nothing. I took the Clomid as directed (hello, hot flashes!) and went I went back for the follow-up ultrasound, my biggest follicle (22mm) -- all ready for ovulation and everything -- was on the unconnected side. So, no dice on the IUI. The good news? At least my right side was making follicles! There were two on that side (13 and 14 mm), but they just weren't big enough to move forward.

In some twisted ways I felt relief, but mostly I felt acute, stinging disappointment. And envy. Why is it so easy for people who do not even want to get pregnant to do so? Or even worse -- why do people I think would be worse parents than we would get pregnant so easily? They don't deserve it! Awful, judging, jealous thoughts. But they only lasted a few minutes, and then I moved on to the next round.