A few weeks ago (beginning of October) we were finally ready to start the process of our first (and I was hoping only) IUI -- after 2 months of healing post-surgery and another cycle where we were supposed to be traveling during the key dates.
I was so excited -- and really anxious at the same time. Seems so silly now, especially since we've been trying for so long! But in some ways I feel like I've gotten used to trying and coming up empty, so the thought of actually getting pregnant was scary. As was the needle that I would have to jab myself with to induce ovulation if all went according to plan. And, of course, I am such a spaz with the "what if" thinking far ahead into the future: what if I did get pregnant? What if I lose the pregnancy? What if I have to go on bed rest really early and can't work? What if I have the baby early and it's in the NICU, has problems, etc...
I know I am like this and it doesn't help anything, but I am who I am.
Anyway, all my stress last month was for nothing. I took the Clomid as directed (hello, hot flashes!) and went I went back for the follow-up ultrasound, my biggest follicle (22mm) -- all ready for ovulation and everything -- was on the unconnected side. So, no dice on the IUI. The good news? At least my right side was making follicles! There were two on that side (13 and 14 mm), but they just weren't big enough to move forward.
In some twisted ways I felt relief, but mostly I felt acute, stinging disappointment. And envy. Why is it so easy for people who do not even want to get pregnant to do so? Or even worse -- why do people I think would be worse parents than we would get pregnant so easily? They don't deserve it! Awful, judging, jealous thoughts. But they only lasted a few minutes, and then I moved on to the next round.
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