Round 2

I started Clomid last night (100 mg) for Round 2 of attempting an IUI. I am cautiously hopeful that my right ovary will respond better this time, since it was at least making a few small follicles last time, and that we'll be able to actually do the IUI in two weeks. Also, of course, looking forward to the fun hot flashes that Clomid causes. Maybe it's a good thing Florida is having a cold streak this week?

If things were to go well and if we were able to do the IUI and if we get pregnant, we'd know sometime around the end of this month. That's a lot of ifs to pin anything on, I realize. And a lot of pressure that I put on myself -- since it would be right around the anniversary of my dad's death. And right around the time I told him, alone in the hospital room when he was mostly unresponsive, that Joe and I were trying to get pregnant. And I could see the hope on his face for that small amount of time. It makes me sad just thinking about it.

I thought I was getting used to disappointment, but this past month I tortured myself. I was feeling nauseous for the week before my period was due, and thought -- could this be? We got pregnant on our own on a skipped IUI cycle? After almost 2 years! So I (stupidly) took a pregnancy test a few nights before my period was due. And it immediately came up positive. Like, seriously immediately. I had a few minutes of elation, and then the doubt set in. But I went to my Zumba class, ate dinner, did all the stuff I would normally do...and then took another test the next morning. And of course -- it was negative. I was crushed, and sad for several days. I have never seen a positive line on a pregnancy test, and was so excited, but I think deep down I knew something was wrong. The line just came up too quick for being so early!

I feel fine about it now, and I'm trying to use this as a lesson in not counting my chickens before they're hatched and not to pin hopes (or fears, for that matter) on too many "ifs." So I'm trying my best to just go with the flow, take my meds, do the IUI if things look good -- and not think about the symbolism what it would mean to me to be pregnant on the anniversary of my dad's death. He would be thrilled no matter when (or how) it happens, so I'm going to focus on that.

The beginning: trying and trying

The process of trying to conceive, learning about my unicornuate uterus, and all the rest of it has been stressful and frustrating. I've gotten tremendous comfort and support through reading the experiences of and becoming online friends with other women who have this condition and are going through the same things -- some of whom have successfully had multiple children! This blog is to journal my own experiences and share them with others who might get that same kind of comfort from me.

_____________________________

I guess the best thing I can do is start at the beginning -- of the baby-making process, at least. I went off birth control in February 2009, and we started trying to conceive in the spring of 2009. It started off relaxed enough -- not charting or monitoring anything. After a couple of months of that, with no luck, I started charting my cycles. Things looked good to me, and our timing seemed good -- but still no luck. After a month or two of that, I started using OPKs in conjunction with the charting to make sure I was actually ovulating. Again, nada.

In the midst of all of this, my dad was diagnosed with cancer in July and passed away in December, 2009. It was fast, somewhat unexpected, and incredibly, ridiculously stressful and emotional. I was very close to my dad and everything that he went through was very hard on our entire family. In addition to my normal levels of stress with being a doctoral candidate and trying to do my research, working, and teaching, I figured the added stress of my dad's illness and passing had something to do with our inability to conceive -- and, of course, trying took a backseat during that horrible time.

However, in April 2010, after continuing to try without any luck, we decided to undergo fertility testing to see if something was wrong. I just had a gut feeling that something was off, given my good charts, OPKs, and timing. Luckily, my regular gynecologist, who I've gone to for years, happens to be a reproductive endocrinologist with one of the best teams in Florida. This meant getting in to see him within a week of my phone call, which would not have happened otherwise.

Soon to be continued... :)