IUI #2 = fail

Of course, as soon as I start to think it may have actually worked, my period started. Like, really? What cosmic joke is that -- as soon as I start to have a little bit of hope, bam! Nope! Sorry.

I had a little bit of a meltdown earlier this week. I am feeling frustrated and defeated. I know it's only the second successful IUI (3rd round of Clomid), but how much is it going to take? I think I was feeling particularly defeated because I heard such positive feedback from the ultrasound tech and the nurse who did the procedure -- my egg was a great size, lining looked good, Joe's numbers looked good. Much better than last month. So I let myself have a little bit of hope, although I was still shielding myself against the disappointment. It's hard to do this over and over again -- it truly is a rollercoaster. My anxiety gets involved too. If Clomid doesn't work, that's one more thing that was unsuccessful, so we would move on to the next step. Which means we have fewer and fewer options left.

I do realize that we are hardly out of options at this point, but I don't want to have to go through more and more. I just want something to work. I have accepted the infertility, but on a daily basis it sucks.

So, the next step is to try another round of Clomid, which will hopefully result in at least one good follicle on the right side, and a 3rd IUI. If that doesn't work (or if the follicles are on the left), then we meet with Dr. Bernhisel and see what's next.

We're on again!

After my last post of disappointment that I wasn't pregnant and didn't think we would make the cutoff to do the beginning of cycle sonogram, I called the doctor's office...and I was able to get in to do it last Monday! All looked good, so we repeated the same protocol (100mg of Clomid).

Today I went back for the mid-cycle sonogram, and got more good news. I have a big, 23mm follicle on the right side, and my lining is 9.7mm (it was under 7 last month). So things are looking good -- and we are on for our second IUI this Wednesday! Keeping my fingers crossed that the rest of the week goes smoothly, and less stressful than last time.

It is really good to know that we can move forward this month. I always have the nagging concern in the back of my brain while I'm on the Clomid that my right side won't make big enough follicles, and it will be a wasted month (both in terms of cost and the increasing side effects I'm getting from the medication). I'm also more comfortable knowing the plan is that if the IUIs don't work (meaning we actually get to the insemination, not a failed Clomid cycle), that we will only do 2-3 failed cycles before reassessing options and possibly moving to a new protocol. I was feeling a little aimless and frustrated with the whole process, but definitely feeling better now.

So here we go!

Nope :(

My period started last night. I started spotting a couple of days ago, and I thought it might possibly be implantation (or I convinced myself of that, maybe), but no luck. Our first actual IUI was not successful. :(

This month has been harder than previous attempts. I feel so disappointed and frustrated, and like a failure at this. In the past few days I've had a hard time thinking about the people I knew who started trying at the same time, or after, we did and already have a baby. I think it is because we went through a full, medicated IUI cycle -- I thought we'd have better luck since I knew I was ovulating from the right side. I do know that the success rates are not incredibly high with IUIs, especially with lower sperm counts -- but it is hard to separate the intellectual from my emotional reactions. And my physical responses to the drugs this month was uncomfortable: bloating, cramping, irritability...I am worried about going through more cycles in discomfort. And, being me, I am worried that each step we take that doesn't work means that there are fewer options available overall. I know we are far away from that actually being a problem, but I think about it nonetheless.

I need to get a better handle on the anxiety related to all of this. I am finally taking the xanax prescribed to me by the allergist (ha! That just sounds so strange) to help with the crazy eczema that is all over my body. It is actually helping with that, which is such a relief, and hopefully I will feel calmer overall too. It just sucks to have to admit that there is yet another thing wrong with me -- when is it going to end?

So, onwards. I think we will have to skip IUI this next month since the doctor's office is closed for the New Year holiday, and I will miss the opportunity to have a baseline sonogram. Maybe that's for the best, and I can get a handle on everything while trying on our own for a month.

And now we wait

Our first actual IUI is complete! We did it yesterday morning, and things seemed to go as well as possible. I learned that I had 3 follicles on the right side (19, 16, and 14mm as of Tuesday), not the 2 I thought there were the other day. Sperm volume and count was about half of what they expect, but the nurse said she's seen people get pregnant with far less, so hopefully that won't be a problem.

I was really surprised at the fact that I was in pain after. I think a lot of it had to do with all of the medication; I started having pain on Wednesday night and it just intensified yesterday, to the point that I was on the couch most of the day. And so much bloating! I think it was worse this time than in October (probably because of the addition of Ovidrel this time), though at least now I know why I looked so puffy in Michael and Breanna's wedding pictures. And lots of cramping after the procedure, too. The things you don't know about infertility procedures before you have them...

I was also, perhaps stupidly, surprised at all the emotions I had about it. Scratch the "perhaps" -- it was definitely stupid for me to be surprised about the emotional aspect, given how emotional I've been lately. Joe wasn't able to go in for the procedure with me, since he had a conference call for work (poor thing was also really tired from getting up so early to provide his contribution), and it was strange to be in the room by myself. The whole experience was kind of surreal. It did feel like a pap as I was warned, except for the pain related to the insertion of the catheter, but it was just so strange to be possibly getting pregnant without my husband even in the room. I'm sure I'll get over that if and when we have to do more of these.

So now we wait!

Getting to take the next step

A little bit of good news: I have grown follicles on the right side! Two of them -- 19mm and 16mm -- though the smaller one probably won't do much. And a couple small ones on the left side too, though of course they're not useful. I'll do the trigger shot tonight and our first actual IUI is scheduled for Thursday morning.

I'm excited about this. Going into the appointment this morning, I was preparing myself for the disappointment of hearing that I'd only grown big follicles on the left side again. I'm so horrible about thinking of consequences before they actually happen: if there were no mature follicles on the right side, that would mean 2 rounds of Clomid without even getting to an IUI, which may or may not work anyway, and how many times can we do this with no positive results? Those kinds of thoughts. I am trying my best to keep them under control -- at least this time I didn't get all crazy thinking about it beforehand, just didn't allow myself to get too excited. Now I have proof that my right ovary really is functioning and capable of producing, and I am cautiously hopeful that the IUI will work. We'll see!

Round 2

I started Clomid last night (100 mg) for Round 2 of attempting an IUI. I am cautiously hopeful that my right ovary will respond better this time, since it was at least making a few small follicles last time, and that we'll be able to actually do the IUI in two weeks. Also, of course, looking forward to the fun hot flashes that Clomid causes. Maybe it's a good thing Florida is having a cold streak this week?

If things were to go well and if we were able to do the IUI and if we get pregnant, we'd know sometime around the end of this month. That's a lot of ifs to pin anything on, I realize. And a lot of pressure that I put on myself -- since it would be right around the anniversary of my dad's death. And right around the time I told him, alone in the hospital room when he was mostly unresponsive, that Joe and I were trying to get pregnant. And I could see the hope on his face for that small amount of time. It makes me sad just thinking about it.

I thought I was getting used to disappointment, but this past month I tortured myself. I was feeling nauseous for the week before my period was due, and thought -- could this be? We got pregnant on our own on a skipped IUI cycle? After almost 2 years! So I (stupidly) took a pregnancy test a few nights before my period was due. And it immediately came up positive. Like, seriously immediately. I had a few minutes of elation, and then the doubt set in. But I went to my Zumba class, ate dinner, did all the stuff I would normally do...and then took another test the next morning. And of course -- it was negative. I was crushed, and sad for several days. I have never seen a positive line on a pregnancy test, and was so excited, but I think deep down I knew something was wrong. The line just came up too quick for being so early!

I feel fine about it now, and I'm trying to use this as a lesson in not counting my chickens before they're hatched and not to pin hopes (or fears, for that matter) on too many "ifs." So I'm trying my best to just go with the flow, take my meds, do the IUI if things look good -- and not think about the symbolism what it would mean to me to be pregnant on the anniversary of my dad's death. He would be thrilled no matter when (or how) it happens, so I'm going to focus on that.

Envy and frustration

I've never really considered myself an envious person. I am content and happy with my life and the material things that I have, and I don't often find myself begrudging others what they have.

However.

Infertility is working hard to get me to destroy that image of myself, and I find myself fighting against envy and frustration fairly often. It even sneaks up on me when I least expect it. I am trying my best to not let it get the best of me, and I think I'm doing a good job, but sometimes it's so hard.

The current crisis is because I find myself surrounded with babies and pregnancies. In the past few months, several of my close friends and family members have given birth (to the most adorable, cuddly babies). In the past week, several co-workers and others in my life have announced their pregnancies. I am happy for all of these people, and my heart melts at the sight of babies, but I also have a current raging case of WHY NOT ME? What am I doing wrong? I know that Joe and I will be good parents -- why aren't we able to conceive? Why is it so hard?

So, basically, I'm having a mini pity party. I've worked hard to overcome these feelings in the past. Right after I was diagnosed, I had a lot of trouble with this. I was also feeling especially judgmental -- why do people who are not ready to be parents, or who have no idea what they're doing, have this come so easy to them, and I am struggling? I've worked through a lot of that immediate reaction. However, this week has been especially hard. I imagine my already fragile emotional state, with the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday being the first without my dad, is contributing to this.

I did get to hold the completely adorable, squishy son of one of my closest friends this week. And I get to hold another one on Black Friday (better than shopping?). Dimples, gummy baby smiles, and fat baby feet melt my heart, regardless of how frustrated and envious I am. I am lucky that I have such supportive friends and such a wonderful husband who acknowledge and empathize with my struggles -- it really does make all the difference, so I am not constantly feeling this way.