My period started last night. I started spotting a couple of days ago, and I thought it might possibly be implantation (or I convinced myself of that, maybe), but no luck. Our first actual IUI was not successful. :(
This month has been harder than previous attempts. I feel so disappointed and frustrated, and like a failure at this. In the past few days I've had a hard time thinking about the people I knew who started trying at the same time, or after, we did and already have a baby. I think it is because we went through a full, medicated IUI cycle -- I thought we'd have better luck since I knew I was ovulating from the right side. I do know that the success rates are not incredibly high with IUIs, especially with lower sperm counts -- but it is hard to separate the intellectual from my emotional reactions. And my physical responses to the drugs this month was uncomfortable: bloating, cramping, irritability...I am worried about going through more cycles in discomfort. And, being me, I am worried that each step we take that doesn't work means that there are fewer options available overall. I know we are far away from that actually being a problem, but I think about it nonetheless.
I need to get a better handle on the anxiety related to all of this. I am finally taking the xanax prescribed to me by the allergist (ha! That just sounds so strange) to help with the crazy eczema that is all over my body. It is actually helping with that, which is such a relief, and hopefully I will feel calmer overall too. It just sucks to have to admit that there is yet another thing wrong with me -- when is it going to end?
So, onwards. I think we will have to skip IUI this next month since the doctor's office is closed for the New Year holiday, and I will miss the opportunity to have a baseline sonogram. Maybe that's for the best, and I can get a handle on everything while trying on our own for a month.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Friday, December 17, 2010
And now we wait
Our first actual IUI is complete! We did it yesterday morning, and things seemed to go as well as possible. I learned that I had 3 follicles on the right side (19, 16, and 14mm as of Tuesday), not the 2 I thought there were the other day. Sperm volume and count was about half of what they expect, but the nurse said she's seen people get pregnant with far less, so hopefully that won't be a problem.
I was really surprised at the fact that I was in pain after. I think a lot of it had to do with all of the medication; I started having pain on Wednesday night and it just intensified yesterday, to the point that I was on the couch most of the day. And so much bloating! I think it was worse this time than in October (probably because of the addition of Ovidrel this time), though at least now I know why I looked so puffy in Michael and Breanna's wedding pictures. And lots of cramping after the procedure, too. The things you don't know about infertility procedures before you have them...
I was also, perhaps stupidly, surprised at all the emotions I had about it. Scratch the "perhaps" -- it was definitely stupid for me to be surprised about the emotional aspect, given how emotional I've been lately. Joe wasn't able to go in for the procedure with me, since he had a conference call for work (poor thing was also really tired from getting up so early to provide his contribution), and it was strange to be in the room by myself. The whole experience was kind of surreal. It did feel like a pap as I was warned, except for the pain related to the insertion of the catheter, but it was just so strange to be possibly getting pregnant without my husband even in the room. I'm sure I'll get over that if and when we have to do more of these.
So now we wait!
I was really surprised at the fact that I was in pain after. I think a lot of it had to do with all of the medication; I started having pain on Wednesday night and it just intensified yesterday, to the point that I was on the couch most of the day. And so much bloating! I think it was worse this time than in October (probably because of the addition of Ovidrel this time), though at least now I know why I looked so puffy in Michael and Breanna's wedding pictures. And lots of cramping after the procedure, too. The things you don't know about infertility procedures before you have them...
I was also, perhaps stupidly, surprised at all the emotions I had about it. Scratch the "perhaps" -- it was definitely stupid for me to be surprised about the emotional aspect, given how emotional I've been lately. Joe wasn't able to go in for the procedure with me, since he had a conference call for work (poor thing was also really tired from getting up so early to provide his contribution), and it was strange to be in the room by myself. The whole experience was kind of surreal. It did feel like a pap as I was warned, except for the pain related to the insertion of the catheter, but it was just so strange to be possibly getting pregnant without my husband even in the room. I'm sure I'll get over that if and when we have to do more of these.
So now we wait!
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Getting to take the next step
A little bit of good news: I have grown follicles on the right side! Two of them -- 19mm and 16mm -- though the smaller one probably won't do much. And a couple small ones on the left side too, though of course they're not useful. I'll do the trigger shot tonight and our first actual IUI is scheduled for Thursday morning.
I'm excited about this. Going into the appointment this morning, I was preparing myself for the disappointment of hearing that I'd only grown big follicles on the left side again. I'm so horrible about thinking of consequences before they actually happen: if there were no mature follicles on the right side, that would mean 2 rounds of Clomid without even getting to an IUI, which may or may not work anyway, and how many times can we do this with no positive results? Those kinds of thoughts. I am trying my best to keep them under control -- at least this time I didn't get all crazy thinking about it beforehand, just didn't allow myself to get too excited. Now I have proof that my right ovary really is functioning and capable of producing, and I am cautiously hopeful that the IUI will work. We'll see!
I'm excited about this. Going into the appointment this morning, I was preparing myself for the disappointment of hearing that I'd only grown big follicles on the left side again. I'm so horrible about thinking of consequences before they actually happen: if there were no mature follicles on the right side, that would mean 2 rounds of Clomid without even getting to an IUI, which may or may not work anyway, and how many times can we do this with no positive results? Those kinds of thoughts. I am trying my best to keep them under control -- at least this time I didn't get all crazy thinking about it beforehand, just didn't allow myself to get too excited. Now I have proof that my right ovary really is functioning and capable of producing, and I am cautiously hopeful that the IUI will work. We'll see!
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Round 2
I started Clomid last night (100 mg) for Round 2 of attempting an IUI. I am cautiously hopeful that my right ovary will respond better this time, since it was at least making a few small follicles last time, and that we'll be able to actually do the IUI in two weeks. Also, of course, looking forward to the fun hot flashes that Clomid causes. Maybe it's a good thing Florida is having a cold streak this week?
If things were to go well and if we were able to do the IUI and if we get pregnant, we'd know sometime around the end of this month. That's a lot of ifs to pin anything on, I realize. And a lot of pressure that I put on myself -- since it would be right around the anniversary of my dad's death. And right around the time I told him, alone in the hospital room when he was mostly unresponsive, that Joe and I were trying to get pregnant. And I could see the hope on his face for that small amount of time. It makes me sad just thinking about it.
I thought I was getting used to disappointment, but this past month I tortured myself. I was feeling nauseous for the week before my period was due, and thought -- could this be? We got pregnant on our own on a skipped IUI cycle? After almost 2 years! So I (stupidly) took a pregnancy test a few nights before my period was due. And it immediately came up positive. Like, seriously immediately. I had a few minutes of elation, and then the doubt set in. But I went to my Zumba class, ate dinner, did all the stuff I would normally do...and then took another test the next morning. And of course -- it was negative. I was crushed, and sad for several days. I have never seen a positive line on a pregnancy test, and was so excited, but I think deep down I knew something was wrong. The line just came up too quick for being so early!
I feel fine about it now, and I'm trying to use this as a lesson in not counting my chickens before they're hatched and not to pin hopes (or fears, for that matter) on too many "ifs." So I'm trying my best to just go with the flow, take my meds, do the IUI if things look good -- and not think about the symbolism what it would mean to me to be pregnant on the anniversary of my dad's death. He would be thrilled no matter when (or how) it happens, so I'm going to focus on that.
If things were to go well and if we were able to do the IUI and if we get pregnant, we'd know sometime around the end of this month. That's a lot of ifs to pin anything on, I realize. And a lot of pressure that I put on myself -- since it would be right around the anniversary of my dad's death. And right around the time I told him, alone in the hospital room when he was mostly unresponsive, that Joe and I were trying to get pregnant. And I could see the hope on his face for that small amount of time. It makes me sad just thinking about it.
I thought I was getting used to disappointment, but this past month I tortured myself. I was feeling nauseous for the week before my period was due, and thought -- could this be? We got pregnant on our own on a skipped IUI cycle? After almost 2 years! So I (stupidly) took a pregnancy test a few nights before my period was due. And it immediately came up positive. Like, seriously immediately. I had a few minutes of elation, and then the doubt set in. But I went to my Zumba class, ate dinner, did all the stuff I would normally do...and then took another test the next morning. And of course -- it was negative. I was crushed, and sad for several days. I have never seen a positive line on a pregnancy test, and was so excited, but I think deep down I knew something was wrong. The line just came up too quick for being so early!
I feel fine about it now, and I'm trying to use this as a lesson in not counting my chickens before they're hatched and not to pin hopes (or fears, for that matter) on too many "ifs." So I'm trying my best to just go with the flow, take my meds, do the IUI if things look good -- and not think about the symbolism what it would mean to me to be pregnant on the anniversary of my dad's death. He would be thrilled no matter when (or how) it happens, so I'm going to focus on that.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Envy and frustration
I've never really considered myself an envious person. I am content and happy with my life and the material things that I have, and I don't often find myself begrudging others what they have.
However.
Infertility is working hard to get me to destroy that image of myself, and I find myself fighting against envy and frustration fairly often. It even sneaks up on me when I least expect it. I am trying my best to not let it get the best of me, and I think I'm doing a good job, but sometimes it's so hard.
The current crisis is because I find myself surrounded with babies and pregnancies. In the past few months, several of my close friends and family members have given birth (to the most adorable, cuddly babies). In the past week, several co-workers and others in my life have announced their pregnancies. I am happy for all of these people, and my heart melts at the sight of babies, but I also have a current raging case of WHY NOT ME? What am I doing wrong? I know that Joe and I will be good parents -- why aren't we able to conceive? Why is it so hard?
So, basically, I'm having a mini pity party. I've worked hard to overcome these feelings in the past. Right after I was diagnosed, I had a lot of trouble with this. I was also feeling especially judgmental -- why do people who are not ready to be parents, or who have no idea what they're doing, have this come so easy to them, and I am struggling? I've worked through a lot of that immediate reaction. However, this week has been especially hard. I imagine my already fragile emotional state, with the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday being the first without my dad, is contributing to this.
I did get to hold the completely adorable, squishy son of one of my closest friends this week. And I get to hold another one on Black Friday (better than shopping?). Dimples, gummy baby smiles, and fat baby feet melt my heart, regardless of how frustrated and envious I am. I am lucky that I have such supportive friends and such a wonderful husband who acknowledge and empathize with my struggles -- it really does make all the difference, so I am not constantly feeling this way.
However.
Infertility is working hard to get me to destroy that image of myself, and I find myself fighting against envy and frustration fairly often. It even sneaks up on me when I least expect it. I am trying my best to not let it get the best of me, and I think I'm doing a good job, but sometimes it's so hard.
The current crisis is because I find myself surrounded with babies and pregnancies. In the past few months, several of my close friends and family members have given birth (to the most adorable, cuddly babies). In the past week, several co-workers and others in my life have announced their pregnancies. I am happy for all of these people, and my heart melts at the sight of babies, but I also have a current raging case of WHY NOT ME? What am I doing wrong? I know that Joe and I will be good parents -- why aren't we able to conceive? Why is it so hard?
So, basically, I'm having a mini pity party. I've worked hard to overcome these feelings in the past. Right after I was diagnosed, I had a lot of trouble with this. I was also feeling especially judgmental -- why do people who are not ready to be parents, or who have no idea what they're doing, have this come so easy to them, and I am struggling? I've worked through a lot of that immediate reaction. However, this week has been especially hard. I imagine my already fragile emotional state, with the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday being the first without my dad, is contributing to this.
I did get to hold the completely adorable, squishy son of one of my closest friends this week. And I get to hold another one on Black Friday (better than shopping?). Dimples, gummy baby smiles, and fat baby feet melt my heart, regardless of how frustrated and envious I am. I am lucky that I have such supportive friends and such a wonderful husband who acknowledge and empathize with my struggles -- it really does make all the difference, so I am not constantly feeling this way.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Seriously, what now?
What should have been IUI #1, September 2010 - didn't even try because we were supposed to be out of town during the middle of my cycle (which didn't even happen)
IUI #1, October 2010 - canceled because I was ovulating on the wrong side.
IUI #2, November 2010 - postponed until next cycle because I was out of town when I needed to have my baseline.
Ok, no big deal. It will happen, I know it will. However, sometime in the midst of all of that, I was diagnosed with some kind of unspecified inflammatory arthritis. And I was tested for lupus and scleroderma (thankfully, I'm negative for both). And the medicine I was given cannot be taken during pregnancy.
What? Something else I have to deal with that can potentially affect pregnancy? I cannot describe how stressful this was, especially when I was waiting for the results of the lupus and scleroderma tests. I know those diseases, especially lupus, can have serious implications for pregnancy -- and for my health overall. Thankfully, it looks like I do not have either of those conditions, and the arthritis is it. It's painful, for sure, and I am still working out what medications I can and cannot take. The rheumatologist wanted me to take a low-dose steroid every day during fertility treatments and pregnancy. I can appreciate what she is trying to do (reduce inflammation), but a daily steroid? Not happening. We still haven't come to a decision, but at least I know I can go without medication, which would have been much more difficult with the other conditions.
That's where I'm at right now. I guess, in the long run, it worked out better that I was not able to move forward with an IUI this month based on timing -- it has given me the opportunity to figure out all of the other stuff. I just need to work on being less stressed about all of it. I think, in my case, knowledge and access to resources and research is not always a good thing. A little ignorance would probably help my stress levels!
IUI #1, October 2010 - canceled because I was ovulating on the wrong side.
IUI #2, November 2010 - postponed until next cycle because I was out of town when I needed to have my baseline.
Ok, no big deal. It will happen, I know it will. However, sometime in the midst of all of that, I was diagnosed with some kind of unspecified inflammatory arthritis. And I was tested for lupus and scleroderma (thankfully, I'm negative for both). And the medicine I was given cannot be taken during pregnancy.
What? Something else I have to deal with that can potentially affect pregnancy? I cannot describe how stressful this was, especially when I was waiting for the results of the lupus and scleroderma tests. I know those diseases, especially lupus, can have serious implications for pregnancy -- and for my health overall. Thankfully, it looks like I do not have either of those conditions, and the arthritis is it. It's painful, for sure, and I am still working out what medications I can and cannot take. The rheumatologist wanted me to take a low-dose steroid every day during fertility treatments and pregnancy. I can appreciate what she is trying to do (reduce inflammation), but a daily steroid? Not happening. We still haven't come to a decision, but at least I know I can go without medication, which would have been much more difficult with the other conditions.
That's where I'm at right now. I guess, in the long run, it worked out better that I was not able to move forward with an IUI this month based on timing -- it has given me the opportunity to figure out all of the other stuff. I just need to work on being less stressed about all of it. I think, in my case, knowledge and access to resources and research is not always a good thing. A little ignorance would probably help my stress levels!
Friday, October 29, 2010
IUI #1 - cancelled
A few weeks ago (beginning of October) we were finally ready to start the process of our first (and I was hoping only) IUI -- after 2 months of healing post-surgery and another cycle where we were supposed to be traveling during the key dates.
I was so excited -- and really anxious at the same time. Seems so silly now, especially since we've been trying for so long! But in some ways I feel like I've gotten used to trying and coming up empty, so the thought of actually getting pregnant was scary. As was the needle that I would have to jab myself with to induce ovulation if all went according to plan. And, of course, I am such a spaz with the "what if" thinking far ahead into the future: what if I did get pregnant? What if I lose the pregnancy? What if I have to go on bed rest really early and can't work? What if I have the baby early and it's in the NICU, has problems, etc...
I know I am like this and it doesn't help anything, but I am who I am.
Anyway, all my stress last month was for nothing. I took the Clomid as directed (hello, hot flashes!) and went I went back for the follow-up ultrasound, my biggest follicle (22mm) -- all ready for ovulation and everything -- was on the unconnected side. So, no dice on the IUI. The good news? At least my right side was making follicles! There were two on that side (13 and 14 mm), but they just weren't big enough to move forward.
In some twisted ways I felt relief, but mostly I felt acute, stinging disappointment. And envy. Why is it so easy for people who do not even want to get pregnant to do so? Or even worse -- why do people I think would be worse parents than we would get pregnant so easily? They don't deserve it! Awful, judging, jealous thoughts. But they only lasted a few minutes, and then I moved on to the next round.
I was so excited -- and really anxious at the same time. Seems so silly now, especially since we've been trying for so long! But in some ways I feel like I've gotten used to trying and coming up empty, so the thought of actually getting pregnant was scary. As was the needle that I would have to jab myself with to induce ovulation if all went according to plan. And, of course, I am such a spaz with the "what if" thinking far ahead into the future: what if I did get pregnant? What if I lose the pregnancy? What if I have to go on bed rest really early and can't work? What if I have the baby early and it's in the NICU, has problems, etc...
I know I am like this and it doesn't help anything, but I am who I am.
Anyway, all my stress last month was for nothing. I took the Clomid as directed (hello, hot flashes!) and went I went back for the follow-up ultrasound, my biggest follicle (22mm) -- all ready for ovulation and everything -- was on the unconnected side. So, no dice on the IUI. The good news? At least my right side was making follicles! There were two on that side (13 and 14 mm), but they just weren't big enough to move forward.
In some twisted ways I felt relief, but mostly I felt acute, stinging disappointment. And envy. Why is it so easy for people who do not even want to get pregnant to do so? Or even worse -- why do people I think would be worse parents than we would get pregnant so easily? They don't deserve it! Awful, judging, jealous thoughts. But they only lasted a few minutes, and then I moved on to the next round.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
You're sticking what in there?! (aka: infertility testing)
Joe and I went to our first infertility consultation with Dr. B, armed with all of my ovulation charts for the past 8ish months, questions, and lots of nerves. Well, lots of nerves on my part anyway -- my practical husband said there's nothing to be nervous about! Let's just see what the doctor says. There's probably nothing wrong! My intuition told me otherwise, but I am trying to be better about listening to the practical.
So we sat down and met with him. He always puts me at ease, which is so nice. We explained how long we've been trying and showed him my charts (to which he said: beautiful!). He advised that we go through a cycle's worth of various infertility tests to see if anything was identifiable, then gave us a packet of information on testing and infertility as well as a "welcome to our practice" folder with all kinds of stuff in it. (The coolest thing, I think, is the peer support program, where you are matched up with someone who's gone through all of this before. I love social support.)
Leaving that appointment, the strangest thing for me was when I got up to the front desk to check out. I handed my folder to the check-out person, and she looked at someone else and said, "oh, she's an infertility patient now." It was like being punched in the stomach. I've gone to this practice for so long for regular gynecologic care, and I knew in the back of my mind that we were possibly dealing with infertility, but hearing it out loud was like a slap in the face. I was really surprised at my reaction to hearing it.
A timeline of infertility testing events:
So we sat down and met with him. He always puts me at ease, which is so nice. We explained how long we've been trying and showed him my charts (to which he said: beautiful!). He advised that we go through a cycle's worth of various infertility tests to see if anything was identifiable, then gave us a packet of information on testing and infertility as well as a "welcome to our practice" folder with all kinds of stuff in it. (The coolest thing, I think, is the peer support program, where you are matched up with someone who's gone through all of this before. I love social support.)
Leaving that appointment, the strangest thing for me was when I got up to the front desk to check out. I handed my folder to the check-out person, and she looked at someone else and said, "oh, she's an infertility patient now." It was like being punched in the stomach. I've gone to this practice for so long for regular gynecologic care, and I knew in the back of my mind that we were possibly dealing with infertility, but hearing it out loud was like a slap in the face. I was really surprised at my reaction to hearing it.
A timeline of infertility testing events:
- April, 2010: baseline bloodwork (estrogen, FSH, progesterone, etc.); semen analysis for Joe (probably his favorite event ever - ha! But that's not my story to tell); and an HSG. HSG performed by another doctor in the practice. Not as painful as I'd heard it could be, but certainly not my favorite test, I have to tell you -- but I can't imagine that it is anyone's favorite. The doctor that performed it was also not my favorite, but I had no choice if I wanted it done in April. He did the test, and said at the end "looks like you have a unicornuate uterus." Um, what? What the hell is that? Then proceeded, fairly nonchalantly, to tell me that the biggest problem was possible pre-term labor and that my doctor might want to do additional tests. Going into the test, I was afraid I'd had blocked fallopian tubes or something -- not a UU. Though, of course, how would I have been anxious about that? I didn't even know it existed.
- April, 2010, post-HSG: major freak-out. Called Joe on the way home and cried. Got home, immediately sat down, and googled unicornuate uterus. Reviewed some of the published stuff on it. MAJOR freak out. It was the worst possible thing I could do, but I am trained as a researcher (in public health, no less), and just couldn't not look into it. All of the outcomes were frightening, especially since maternal and child health fights constantly against so many of them, especially pre-term labor. Continued to be seriously stressed about it until our meeting with the doctor. Joe and I were able to find some humor in the situation, and started calling it my "banana uterus" (and laughed every time).
- May 21, 2010 (my 30th birthday!): second consultation with Dr. B. After some confusion with the HSG report, wherein I had to tell him that the other doctor saw a UU, he told us that everything else looks normal (yay!) and that I'd have to have additional testing to determine if I had a UU or something else. He was pretty convinced it was not a UU. What a way to spend my 30th birthday, right?
- June, 2010: had a saline infusion sonogram. Found a fibroid, couldn't definitively confirm the UU (doctor still not convinced it was there), and recommended lap/hyst surgery. Another freak-out on my part, of course -- I've never had surgery before! And what else could be wrong?
- July 6, 2010: surgery day! No complications. When I was in recovery, my poor husband came in looking so scared. When I asked him what the doctor found, he was so hesitant to tell me. I must have seriously scared him with the previous freak-outs. He eventually told me that the fibroid was successfully removed, but that I did have a UU. I think he was expecting fireworks, but at that point I think I knew what the deal was and I had prepared myself. The good news -- as I saw on the video of my surgery (!), I have both ovaries (though the left one doesn't connect to my uterus), and given the bloodwork results, at least one of them is working. I also learned later that I do have both kidneys. Woohoo!
Friday, October 22, 2010
The beginning: trying and trying
The process of trying to conceive, learning about my unicornuate uterus, and all the rest of it has been stressful and frustrating. I've gotten tremendous comfort and support through reading the experiences of and becoming online friends with other women who have this condition and are going through the same things -- some of whom have successfully had multiple children! This blog is to journal my own experiences and share them with others who might get that same kind of comfort from me.
_____________________________
I guess the best thing I can do is start at the beginning -- of the baby-making process, at least. I went off birth control in February 2009, and we started trying to conceive in the spring of 2009. It started off relaxed enough -- not charting or monitoring anything. After a couple of months of that, with no luck, I started charting my cycles. Things looked good to me, and our timing seemed good -- but still no luck. After a month or two of that, I started using OPKs in conjunction with the charting to make sure I was actually ovulating. Again, nada.
In the midst of all of this, my dad was diagnosed with cancer in July and passed away in December, 2009. It was fast, somewhat unexpected, and incredibly, ridiculously stressful and emotional. I was very close to my dad and everything that he went through was very hard on our entire family. In addition to my normal levels of stress with being a doctoral candidate and trying to do my research, working, and teaching, I figured the added stress of my dad's illness and passing had something to do with our inability to conceive -- and, of course, trying took a backseat during that horrible time.
However, in April 2010, after continuing to try without any luck, we decided to undergo fertility testing to see if something was wrong. I just had a gut feeling that something was off, given my good charts, OPKs, and timing. Luckily, my regular gynecologist, who I've gone to for years, happens to be a reproductive endocrinologist with one of the best teams in Florida. This meant getting in to see him within a week of my phone call, which would not have happened otherwise.
Soon to be continued... :)
_____________________________
I guess the best thing I can do is start at the beginning -- of the baby-making process, at least. I went off birth control in February 2009, and we started trying to conceive in the spring of 2009. It started off relaxed enough -- not charting or monitoring anything. After a couple of months of that, with no luck, I started charting my cycles. Things looked good to me, and our timing seemed good -- but still no luck. After a month or two of that, I started using OPKs in conjunction with the charting to make sure I was actually ovulating. Again, nada.
In the midst of all of this, my dad was diagnosed with cancer in July and passed away in December, 2009. It was fast, somewhat unexpected, and incredibly, ridiculously stressful and emotional. I was very close to my dad and everything that he went through was very hard on our entire family. In addition to my normal levels of stress with being a doctoral candidate and trying to do my research, working, and teaching, I figured the added stress of my dad's illness and passing had something to do with our inability to conceive -- and, of course, trying took a backseat during that horrible time.
However, in April 2010, after continuing to try without any luck, we decided to undergo fertility testing to see if something was wrong. I just had a gut feeling that something was off, given my good charts, OPKs, and timing. Luckily, my regular gynecologist, who I've gone to for years, happens to be a reproductive endocrinologist with one of the best teams in Florida. This meant getting in to see him within a week of my phone call, which would not have happened otherwise.
Soon to be continued... :)
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